Now let's get down to the biznass! I'm sure you've all looked at some celeb moms and asked yourself "why oh why are they a mommy?" or "hmm...she'd make a pretty good mommy". Well so have I, and I'm gonna write about it damnit. Everywhere you look in Hollywood, there's babies! They're like the latest fashion accessory, and when one goes out of style, another's getting ready to pop in the fall.
Rumor has it, that Gwyneth Paltrow is once again preggers, as is Victoria Beckham. Although I'm sure Gwyn is a good mommy, she needs to lighten up a little!!! Did y'all hear about how, after learning that a crew member on the set of "Proof" was about to feed her child soup for lunch, she told them that she'd rather die than feed her child canned soup?? Puh-leaze!! I'm sure she's like Madonna and doesn't let her kid eat ice cream or watch T.V. either. As for Victoria, I pray to God she doesn't try to breastfeed her kid with those rock-hard, lopsided silicone lumps she calls boobs!
Catherine Zeta Jones seems like a good mommy, and I think Jennifer Garner will be too. She's just always so happy....aaaaaallll the time
, it's kinda annoying. And dude, you totally gave away that you're having a girl, like a million times, so stop trying to act like you don't know the sex of the baby yet!
Oh yeah, almost forgot about dear Angie. Even though she's psycho, she seems like a pretty good mom. I'm sure she doesn't have freaky, wanna-kill-each-other sex ever since her brother...I mean, her ex-husband Billy Bob (what kind of hillbilly name is that anyway?). Ok, ok, maybe she does still do freaky stuff with Brad, but I'm sure not while the kids are in the house... or ok, at least not while they're in the room watching, right?? Speaking of her sicko relationship with her brother, I think they may have cleaned up their act a little bit.. if only for the cameras. Here's a before:
And here's an after:
Now is it just me, or does it seem like miss Ang has gotten a little somethin' somethin' implanted into her chest? Then again, maybe it's just a great push-up. Either way, her brother looks a) gay and b) ready to go home and finish torturing the little animals he found and collected from the park.
And yes, even though I'm sticking by my opinion that she's a pretty good mommy, I don't get why she feeds her daughter like this every time they're out in public. How easy would it be for you to drink out of a bottle while your mom's walking around bouncing and not even looking at you to see if you're having any trouble? She did the same thing when she was 6 months old too, but oh well... these pics are more just for sharing with you wonderful people anyway, enjoy (oh, and Maddox is just too cute!):
See, I like that Maddox is dressed pretty normal too. The only thing different about him really is his hair sometimes, but it's different in a cute way. SJP also dresses her kid normal (unlike Liz Hurley's kid!), and thusly, she has earned the title of good mommy also. She seems pretty "normal" with her lifestyle and kid...as normal as celebs can be. Even though I'm sure the kid's gonna grow up to have SOME problems. I mean come on, she won't even let him use the word "fat" because she thinks it's a terrible word! Anyhoo, here's some pics of them and their normalcy:
If you're wondering what they're talking about, an insider (the guy in the pink shirt) told me it went a little something like this:
"Mommy, why'd you tell Oprah you hate the word fat when you call her that all the time?"
"Shut it and keep walking, fatty"
Ok, so maybe she's not the GREATEST mommy...
Oh yeah! Before I...um....forget.... Heidi Klum's a mom too and....well....I'm soo so sorry to have to do this to you..but I'm about to post her new baby Henry's pics. For once, all gossip sites across the net have actually posted what I was thinking when I first saw these. But hey, maybe he'll get his mom's good genes..eventually???? Come on, there's a chance!
Aww, I kinda feel bad now for typing that, but whatever, I'm not the only one who thinks what I'm thinking!!! And he'll have tons of money for plastic surgery in the future... not to mention, if his dad, Seal, got someone like Heidi, maybe someone will love him for his personality too?
Anyhoo, so that's all the good mommies I could think of (how sad). Now on to the moms worth talking about...the baaaaad moms:
You can't talk about bad moms without at least thinking of Britney Spears, but we'll get to that in a bit. Now, I know celebs have a habit of naming their kids weird names, like Gwyneth's "Apple" or "Moxie Crimefighter", as is Penn's (from Penn and Teller fame) kids' name. Now, that in itself is a form of child abuse, in my opinion (and that's all that matters!), but Nicolas Cage and his mail-order bride take the cake. They actually named their son... ready?.... Kal-El. As in the name Superman was born with on his home planet of Krypton. His explanation was that he wanted an "exotic" name. And hey, who the hell is more exotic than Superman, right? 'Cause when I think exotic, I definitely think of good ol' Kal-El. Sigh...
Then again, I guess having weirdo parents is better than having parents that are so incredibly high all the time that you have to spend your third birthday without at least one. Thus is the case with Cocaine Kate's daughter, Lila Grace. Poor girl..her mom's in rehab and she might have a heroin, coke, and every-drug-under-the-sun-addicted Pete Dougherty as a step-dad soon. Someone please take her daughter away from her!!! How much more proof do you need that she's an unfit mother?!
Ah yes, look at the beautifully red nostrils, bad skin, and alcohol soaked jacket. If that's not a prize of a man, I don't know what is...
Hmmm...now I don't know if she could be considered a "bad mom", especially since she's not a mom yet, but Katie Holmes...excuse me, I mean Kate Holmes... scares me just a little. Rumor has it that the kid she's carrying isn't even Tom's but some guy in England's. Apparently, while doing a little press junket for Batman Begins, she got knocked up. Mimi Rogers (Tom's first wife) has publicly said that she got out of the marriage 'cause she couldn't handle not doing it, and Tom believed in "keeping his instrument clean". So all of a sudden he's had sex with Katie right after meeting her??? Plus, everyone knows he's like, totally gay. If I had to guess, I'd say that she's either carrying a) The Anti-Christ or b) L. Ron Hubbard's clone. I swear, if her baby's born on Jan.24th I'm gonna shit my pants 'cause that's L. Ron's death anniversary. There's some freaky conspiracy going on here and I don't like it..not one bit...but I do like this little pic I got from the folks at OhNoTheyDidnt:
You know who probably wouldn't have a thing for Kate? Papa Joe. As in Papa Joe Simpson. Wanna know why? 'Cause Kate's a brunette (he's into blondes) and she has small boobies (he's into huge ones). In fact, he loves blondes and boobies so much, he can't help talking about them! For instance, here's a quote of him talking about some blonde's boobs: "She just is sexy. If you put her in a T-shirt or you put her in a bustier, she's sexy in both. She's got double D's! You can't cover those suckers up!" I'm sure he meant to say that about his wife, not Jessica... And, um, here he is checking out some blonde's boobs:
Oh, oops! Silly me! He doesn't have a thing for ALL blonde-haired, big chested girls.. just his daughters. Although, to be fair, I'm sure than once he looked up and realized he wasn't checking out Jessica, he felt like a dirty old man.
Now, these next two celebs don't have babies, but unfortunately, they're still parents. I don't know why no one's been talking about how Donatella Versace's 19 year old daughter, Allegra (isn't that an allergy medication?) is an anorexic bag of bones and, like most celebs, most likely on the coke diet! Check this girl out!
Maybe she's scared she's going to end up with an ass like her mother's. I wish I could find the cellulite-y pictures I've seen of it in magazines! Her child also needs to be taken away, since Donatella herself not too long ago had checked into rehab for cocaine addiction and, since it's obvious in this tiny pic I found, that her daughter has had a problem for a while. Donatella also has a son that's 5 years younger than Allegra (and never pictured). God help him. Notice also how Donatella was completely flat before:
Wow, her daughter just looks miserable. So ok, I said there were two celebs with older kids I was going to mention. You shouldn't have to think hard as to who this other weirdo is...it's our loveable, oh-so-normal Michael Jackson!!! I think I'll let the pictures speak for themselves. They were taken a few days ago outside a London showing of the play Billy Elliott
, with the main character being....what else...a young boy, who's loves ballet. Sigh...
Poor kid on the right is trying to get out of the picture!
I'd like someone to wrap his head with a scarf and see how well he can see!! Apparently, dangling your baby out a window, being a suspected child molester, having an unhealthy obsession with Macaulay Culkin (to the point where his one brown-haired son has been having his hair bleached since birth to look like him), and masking your kids faces isn't enough to have them taken away from you. Do these kids even go to school??? And while we're on the subject of him, apparently being a bad parent runs in the family, because it's just been discovered that Janet Jackson is a deadbeat mom to an 18 year old girl!!!! She had her with her secret ex-husband and gave her away to live with the eldest of the Jackson siblings. But now that the girl's 18, she's talking! This is from pinkisthenewblog:
Uh..yeah, there's no way Janet can deny this is her daughter.
Yay! We're down to the last bad parents of the night folks! Any guesses??? No? Ok, I'll help you out...drumroll please......... It's.......
BRITNEY SPEARS!!!! and that guy. This pic was taken from Galleryoftheabsurd, and I think it's perfect. Apparently, while pregnant with little Sean Preston Federline Spears, she had a habit of drinking. A waiter even came forward during her 8th month of pregnancy and said he served her two back-to-back glasses of wine. Her camp of course denied it. Ok, she did that and everything turned out fine, right? Well, if her nursing bra is any indication (I guess I should be happy she's wearing one for a change!), she's breast-feeding. And if she's breast-feeding, she shouldn't be doing this:
"A source says that Brit is already back to smoking half a pack of Newports a day.
She's also sleeping in until the afternoon. And even though she has the help of a
nanny, she's still finding life with a baby hard to adjust to."
Dlisted.com says, ''This bitch is stupid. I don't feel sorry for her ass! You know she's like "awww, I thought having a baby was going to be like having a puppy y'all! This ain't fun, can we return it?", and I couldn't agree with him more!
Apparently some source also said "I think Britney is having a very hard time right now. She hasn't lost the pregnancy weight and she's desperate to get back in superstar shape and resume her career. She has turned to drinking wine to relax, washing away her stress."
At least she's showing some signs of being a good mom though. She had taken a photo shoot with People magazine a little after birth and was about to sign a contract with them, but she suddenly had a change of heart and decided she couldn't "sell her baby". The pictures were still stolen from the shoot though and posted on all gossip blogs to see, but her lawyers say if anyone puts them up they'll be sued! Does it count if I post these really tiny pics that I got from another gossip site??? He really is cute! I'll take it down after 24 hours just in case, and of course to respect her privacy:)
PICTURE HAS BEEN DELETED. SORRY!
Now, for your viewing pleasure, some recent pics of Britney out and about with her nursing bra showing for all the world to see that she's a good mommy and is breast-feeding:
and some from her very first outing after giving birth, on the way to a restaurant:
She kinda reminds me of jessica simpson there. And even I must admit that she looks pretty damn good, especially for having just given birth like 3 weeks before that pic. Yeah, as you can see I think I may have an unhealthy obsession with Britney;) So of course, it's only fitting that I put one last pic of her that I found. Apparently, there's talk of there being a Brit barbie doll. It may look a little something like this:
Hahaha, I love it! Now, before I end this post and start my post 1, part 3... I have to leave you with a couple that should never
under any circumstances, "make it".
And not because of her..oh, no....but because of her terminally-ill looking husband. Come on, we all saw the result of Heidi Klum and Seal's union.